Anonymous of Holland            -A Dutchman in Korea-

    Helo welcom 2 my websight

E3 2010 Nintendo Press Conference

[People in the audience started off with a little quiz while they waited]

So ignoring my better judgement I’ve decided to have dinner early to watch the Nintendo conference; mostly because I’m curious about that 3D DS they may or may not officially unveil here today.

Hah, shit yes, starting off with everyone’s favorite businessman: REGGIE!

Reggie counting his money
[Here, Reggie is using a magic trick to create a device that prints money]

In b4 he starts throwing around numbers because that’s all the Wii has going for it.
Nice, he starts with talking about how ‘technology doesn’t matter’ because what matters is INNOVATION~! because the wii has wiigrfx.

OH EM GEE WHO WOULD’VE GUESSED! IT’S A NEW ZELDA GAME! I DID NOT SEE THIS SHOCKER COMING! In b4 the other REVOLUTIONARY INNOVASHUN are a new Metroid game, a new Mario game and a new..uh..Mario game.

Zelda    Zeldamoto[Miyamoto is always the highlight in any Nintendo conference]

Miyamoto is being awesome as ever though in his fukken BATTLE ARMOR!
Anyway, the graphics seem to be slightly less shit, and with the WiiMotionPlus you can get near 1-1 movement (if you manage to aim it at that retarded wii receiver correctly), I guess, but after seeing Natal this just seems embarrassing due to the inaccuracy and lag of it all. Even Miyamoto himself is struggling with the input lag as he’s demoing the game (and his translator jokingly blaming wireless devices in the audience) (actually…he appears to be serious. So he’s saying I can’t play on a wii while someone in the room is using a laptop? Cool shit, Ninty!).
Also, in true Zelda style, the designs are exactly the same as in the previous games and gameplay seems to be an exact copy as well. It’s fun to watch, but only because Miyamoto is such a happy and enthusiastic dude. Fans of the franchise will probably be pleased though, since it doesn’t deviate from the norm in any area.
The release date is somewhere next year.

I wonder what Reggie has in store next. Hopefully a new IP (Ahahaha, I maek joek!)


Sport Rehash 15
[If by ‘New IP’ you mean ‘milking ancient old ideas’ maybe!]

Hah. No. Of course not. It’s another Mario Sport rehash. It’s like Mario Party only with sports called Mario Sport Mix. Looks like a 10 year old PS2 game.
Now he’s gonna start with the numbers. DEY SED WII WAS GONNA STOP SELLING AWESOMELY, WE PROVED DEM RONG! WE SELL LOTSA GAEMS! It’s funny to see how the only company constantly ramming numbers down our throats is the one who technically doesn’t really need to since they’re the indisputable number one right now. Just show us some games instead of forcing these numbers on us, Reggie boi!

Wow, this is a new standard in rehashing history!


Mario Party 12
[Enjoying your 125 UH ESS DOLLAHS, Nintendrones?]

Instead of a new Mario Party game, they just changed the characters to Mii’s and called it Wii Party.

And a new dancing-with-your-arms game. Great man.

New Golden Sun game for DS. It’s looking pretty nice. Nothing earth-shattering of course since it’s just another sequel, but I’m looking forward to a decent JRPG.

Oh lol. They’re doing a new Goldeneye game because they think they can just mooch off of the name.


[It’s gonna be hard for Gears of War 3 to top these graphics!]

It’s Wii Exclusive so it looks like shit and is bound to aim like shit. But Wii can probably use a decent shooter, so I wish it good luck.

Here’s something new: Disney Epic Mickey (dat fukken title). I wonder what this will be like.


[Poor Smee. He’s sad because he has so little polygons.]

It’s like a Disney Action Adventure game. Reminds me of Rayman and related platforman gaems. There’s also something with paint and removing things from the game world, but it doesn’t look very expansive. This will be nice for 12-15 year olds, probably. I mean, younger kids won’t be able to handle the inaccurate controls, and older people will doubtlessly find this game much too easy and simple. It really reminds me of that one Mickey game on SNES though, and I did used to enjoy playing that a lot, so hopefully a
new generation will enjoy this game.

The way Reggie was talking about Sakurai, it was almost as if he had come up with a new character, but here’s a new Kirby rehash!


[Lookit all dat cuteness. I think my teeth just rotted away!]

OH GOD I DIED OF CUTENESS! The title is absolutely ridiculous (Kirby’s EPIC Yarn) but it looks so cute I just wanna pick it up and hug it! I love these graphics! The game itself doesn’t look very interesting, but come on, you’ve gotta buy something this cute, right?

Another Dragon Quest game for DS. The previous one has sold OVER 14 MILLION COPIES~!!!!111 so it must be good, right Reggie?

Oh, and here’s that new REVOLUTIONARY INNOVATION I was talking about at the beginning of this conference: a new Metroid.


Metroid Other Rehash
[That’s Samus’ brother running away from yet another sequel. Run, Metroid, run!]

Excuse me while I take the care boat to interest bay.
Those Wiigrfx are a disgrace by the way. The few serious games out on Wii suffer from it greatly due to looking like a cheap PS1 game.

AHHHH SHIT NIGGA a new Donkey Kong game!


[Wiigrfx actually looking good for a change. Whar all da jaggies at?]

This kind of excites me because I played a lot of DK in my younger years and it looks like and exact replica of the old game. … INNOVATION!
But, no, really, I do like DK and it’s nice to see they dusted that franchise off as well.

Oh, Reggie just admitted that all he’s done is announce rehashes. Maybe now he’ll have some INNOVASHIUN for us?
Ah, it’s the Nintendo 3DS. As was leaked, it will NOT require glasses to play. How does it work? Fucking hell this thing’s got me on the edge of my seat.


[THREE DEE MOTHERFUCKER. No doubt it also prints 3D money.]

So..basically it looks like a normal DS, but it’s FUCKING THREE DEE. The upper screen is now widescreen.
I think the business guy is gonna explain to us now how it works. I wonder if this will work on tv’s and shit too. If so, I am lolling like a motherfucker.
Okay, well, he hasn’t explained how it works yet, but he’s telling us something about the changes made to the design. The 3DS will still have a touch screen, but only the widescreen top screen will be 3D. This won’t be just another redesigned DS, it’s an actual completely new DS with new hardware and shit, so graphics will be better. There’s also a touchpad and a few motion sensors. Also, four cameras so you can take 3D pictures. The people at E3 right now can see it in action, so it’s probably fully functional already. The DS will also be able to play 3D movies (probably downloaded from a online store).

First game announced is ‘Project Sora’ led by Sakurai. It’s a new Kid Icarus game!


[Looking good there, Kid.]

As it seems right now, Nintendo 3DS seems to be able to pull off Wiigrfx, so it’s looking pretty decent for a handheld. He’s now talking about ‘how 3D will make navigation easier’ which I highly doubt. There will also be a new Nintendogs 3D game. The new DS will automatically download stuff from the intertubes, which doesn’t seem like something to be proud of (since it sucks) but the guy in the suit seems to be very pleased by this.

Some YAWSOME third party title is coming up.
Oh, nevermind, it’s just ports of existing games to the 3DS (*Or probably promises to make new games in existing franchises for 3DS*). Then again, these are some REALLY impressive partnerships. Even MGS games are going to be released on this thing! Also Resident Evil, Ass is Red, and other high profile titles.
We’re still left wanting about how the 3D actually works, but all these game developers appear to be very impressed. And if you manage to impress Kojima-san, you manage to impress me! I am REALLY curious about how this will work. And when will Sony and Microsoft catch up? And when will I get a 3D tv without shitty glasses? And how come Nintendo could come up with this while giant companies such as Sony and Philips couldn’t? I AM VERY CONFUS and there will be no answers for me. But needless to say, I’m quite excited about this.


[Who’s cuter, a puppy, or Miyamoto?]

Also, you can shake hands with a puppy.

Dear god. They’re supplying every motherfucker in that theater with a 3DS and a hot chick to hold it for them! WHY AM I NOT AT E3?


Hot chicks
[Doze chicks. Doze DSes.]

Well, Nintendo did better than Microsoft, but only because they have that 3DS thing going on because game-wise it was a piece of shit. Also, as I said before, the Wii is outdated now that Natal has come into play, so the 3DS really is the only thing Nintendo has going for it.
Until Sony releases the 3PSP of course.

Sony is up in about 2 hours. Prepare for Sony’s wagglestick!



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This entry was posted on 15 June 2010 by in Games and tagged , , , , .

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