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E3 2010 Oobisoft Press Conference

So now it's time for today's last conference: Ubisoft.
As we all know, Ubisoft is a piece of shit publisher who enjoys raping PC gamers, so let's see if they even have anything you'll want to download in the first place!

Lol, this is what we saw:

Rez
[Maestro, blocky fireworks please!]

But then he started playing it and MOTHERFUCKER IT'S A NEW REZ GAME! NEW FUCKING REZ GAME MY FUCKING GOD YES FUCKING UBISOFT DOES IT AGAIN! WHAT THE COCK I AM GRINNING SO FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW!!
Ahem. So. Uh. Yeah. It's a new Rez game. You can suck Ubisofts cock now. I know I am. HARD.
(If you don't know REZ, you either suck, or play too much Modern Warfare)
HE JUST KEEPS PLAYING AND PLAYING! I AM CUMMING SO HARD!
I guess it's called Child of Eden now. What a fucking way to start a show. God yes.
It can only go down from here.

At least their presenter dude isn't as horrible as the other ones. He's obviously reading from the teleprompter, but he's at least doing it with style.

Great, they're starting off with Assassin's Creed 2010. I'm sure SOMEONE still cares about this franchise, but I sure as fuck don't. Now you can play the exact same game in yet another time period? Thanks Oobisoft!

Ass is Red
[Man, you just missed it, but when he was turned around, his ass was red.]

It does look a little more interesting than Assassin's Creed 2009 though. At least now there's like knights and shit.
There's been no actual game content shown though, just a pretty neat fmv. (*Just after I typed that the gameplay demo started*) And judging by the comments on G4Tv (I had to switch because IGN's stream was fucking up) there's still 12 year olds who think this will be the BEST. GAME. EVER. Graphics appear to have been spiced up a little, but that might just be because they're playing it on a PSTripple.
The larger scale also looks nice. It's less about being an assassin and more about KICKING FUCKING ASS, apparently. Not that that's really a good thing for a series that's about stealth, but it does look nice.

Shaun White skateboarding huh? Really? Well…alright.

Shaun white
[It's called Shaun White skateboarding because he looks like Carrot Top]

I…don't think they have a lot to show us. This guy's been talking to Shaun White for like 10 minutes already, and this really isn't a very high profile game. They've stolen the classic 'the better you do, the more color returns to the world' idea, which does look nice, but we've really seen this about six times already since Okami. AND THEY DARE CALL IT INNOVATION! Motherfuckers.

So..we get a little play of random people running through the audience with Lazer Tag guns?

Charging his lazor
[Imma chargin' mah fake laugh!]

They made a game where you ACTUALLY play the game? It's basically home lazer tag, but somehow there's also a vidyagaem involved? The answer is: not really. Seriously, this could be played with normal tag guns and a DVD. It's a nice idea, but…well…not nice enough.

Wow, Ubisoft is REALLY going for the casual crowd now huh? MORE USELESS PERIPHERALS?

Gimmicks
[I wonder how much this will cost us. And how many heartbeat monitoring gimmicks we'll have in our gaming cabinet by the end of the year!]

Basically, this is Wii Fit only it's Wii Relax. It's very odd and useless, but in a very cute package. It pretty much teaches you to chill out with breathing exercises and stuff.

This guy is fucking awesome.

DAT STACHE
[Dat Stache.jpg]

And all these Frenchies have awesome accents.

Natal is sparking hundreds of insanely creepy wii-like games with people trying to make us get off the couch to play minigames. But the real question is: why would 'hardcore' gamers want to do this? Make me a game that is more than just a wagglefest and show me that this thing can do more.

I thought they might go ahead with the actual games here after so much waggle (seriously, it was over 20 minutes) but next up is another Raving Rabbits title! This time they're time traveling.

Another sequel to a rehash: it's Ghost Recon Future Soldier.

Ghost
[WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THAT DUDE!?]

It looks kind of interesting, but I'm really getting tired of these constant modern warfare games and fucking 100 FPS games we've all already seen before getting rehashed every goddamn E3. I might actually pick this one up though, the whole future tech thing is kind of neat. I'm loving the scripted team A.I. too. And all those voices are so gruff and manly without becoming a joke like in Gears.
Actually, you know what? After watching this shit for 7 minutes: it looks awesome as fuck and I will be getting it.
There, I said it.

Oh, hey, it's the new Driver game!

Driver
[Look at all that 360 computing power]

Another franchise revived from the dusty closet, it seems. I enjoyed the first one, so this might be nice. (Cool screenshot, it shows the AWESOME GRAPHICS~!) Anyway, it's looking kind of cool, I guess, nothing too revolutionary but it'll probably be solid.

Oh fuck yes, it's the CEO of Ubisoft!
This guy has the best accent you've ever heard.
…Hey, what the crap? He's tightened up his speech! Bah. Lameness.

OH SHI- IT'S A NEW POPULOUS!

Populous
[You remember Populous, right, kid? It's that game that came with your first decent PC]

Only it's for Xbox Live so…does that mean it sucks? Or just that I will never get to play it? I am confus!

And a new Rayman game. But it's more like a flash game. Oh well, I don't really care for Rayman anyway.

MOTHER
FUCKER
A Michael Jackson dancing game?

Jacko
[Guys, I'm dead now, you can go ahead looting my corpse!]

This had better be better than Moonwalker (lol fat chance). Yves was all like: OH NIGGA DO I HAVE A GRAND FUCKING EXIT FOR YOU but it's a shitty dancing game =[
Well, anyway, dance like Mike in your own living room, I guess.

That was it for E3 today. It is now 3:35, I think I'll go to bed since I have the worst cold ever ;_;

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This entry was posted on 15 June 2010 by in Games and tagged , , , , .

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Of course I had to take a picture with the absolute king of the day #Splyce #Zerg #Solar #강민수 and #Protoss team leader #herO #김준호 because I don't get to see them very often. 
Team herO was also in really good spirits while Solar was kicking ass and taking names in the #Twitch #Starcraft2 #VSL in #Seoul yesterday. 
#Starcraft #SC2 #스타크래프트2 #스타2 #스타크래프트 #Gaming #esports #God #2: #Splyce #Solar absolutely wrecking everything in his way at #Twitch #Starcraft2 #VSL in #Seoul. 
#Starcraft #sc2 #스타2 #스타크래프트2 #스타크래프트 #강민수 #신 #Zerg #저그 #Gaming #esports An actual #God at work at the #Starcraft2 #Twitch #VSL yesterday. 
#ByuN #변 #변현우 #sc2 #스타크래프트2 #스타2 #Starcraft #스타크래프트 #테란 #Terran #Korea #Seoul #Gaming #esports Turning #30 might not actually be the worst thing in the world.
Last year, I was swamped with university work, but this year I could take the whole day off to do only the things I wanted to. 
Another #happy #birthday in #Korea! 
#생일 #서른 #서른살 #verjaardag #dertig Another beautiful #spring day in #Seoul. Recently, I've been going #outside a lot more than I used to, and I'm not disliking it. The middle of this #park has a huge grass field where lots of people from the neighborhood were playing. #Korean parks are cute. 
#공원 #서울 #서리풀공원 #자연 #Easter? 
A #celebration, perhaps? 
A #chocolate-y feast? 
A #springtime #festivity? 
A certain #Christian #holiday? 
The #resurrection of a certain #Holy man? 
Why don't #Americans #celebrate Easter?
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