Rantings of a Madman part 4

Have you ever wondered how far you can go without looking back?

I wonder about it often. I've wondered about it for years. I can't even count the times I'd wanted to jump on a train and see where I ended up. Or just walk away and try to get as far away from anything as I possibly could. But I never get further than my own front door. That's where logic and doubt stop me from going any further. There's no getting away from logic. And doubt is something you'll always carry with you. Logic dictates I can't just run off and do whatever, because doing whatever costs money, and even though there are people that survive without anything, I could not. I'd go mad if I couldn't watch tv or have a drink whenever I wanted. Luxury living has ruined my dreams for me. And where would I even go? 'Away' is such a loveably vague idea that we love to throw around, but where would I really go? Would walking around Luxembourg be enough of a change to constitute 'awayness' or do I need to go to America or Russia? What will I even do when I get there? How the hell do you search for yourself by going away? The only thing I'd be doing if I went 'away' would be worrying about how I could eat tomorrow and if I could ever go back if I wanted to. 'Away' sounds even more rotten than here. At least here I have more important things to worry about. Not that any of them really matter in the long term, of course, but it keeps me busy.

But..I'd like to rediscover myself. I want to know what I'm all about. I want to know what I expect in this life other than the tedious routine of everyday living numbing my body and brain to the bone. What is it that I wake up for every morning? Is it the fact that I'm supposed to wake up? There's things to be done? Why is it that I can't seem to enjoy this boring habitual numbness like so many other people seem to? Don't get me wrong, I know I'm living a pretty good life, but I can't stop myself from wondering if this is really it. Is this really all there is? Where's the excitement, the drama, the intensity? Why isn't real life anything like what they advertise on tv?

Sometimes, I go without thoughts like these for a couple of days. They feel pretty good. But ultimately everything comes full circle again and I'm wondering how far I could go without looking back.

 

You know back in highschool, how everything made so much sense? I was so busy living I never even thought about my own existence. The everyday routine was broken more often than you'd expect from a day scheduled around courses that last for 45 minutes each. Everything made so much sense back then. Well…I guess nothing really made sense back then, but I didn't care. Now, everything is neatly lain out in front of me and I just have to follow the path. Just follow one day into the next and pray you won't lose your mind before you get there.

The funny thing is, I could bitch about this for four more pages, but I would never do anything about it. I'll just go on being bored and boring myself with myself waiting for some miracle to happen and make everything better. Life isn't what you make of it. No one makes something of their life. Stuff just happens and you deal with it and move on. People get cancer. Some of them die. Some of them don't. The ones that don't haven't 'fought hard' or 'had a strong will to live'. They were just lucky. The ones that died were shit out of luck. Life is like that sometimes. Hell, it's like that most of the time. I wonder…

I wonder how far I could go without looking back..