Anonymous of Holland            -A Dutchman in Korea-

    Helo welcom 2 my websight

Me and my dubious romantic past

As you might know, I've been playing RPGs since I was young. My love for the genre originates from the Baldur's Gate disc that was bundled with one of our earlier PCs and I haven't been able to get enough of it ever since. Of course RPG's glory days are long gone, but there's enough RPG-lite games out there to quench our thirst until someone finally stands up and decides to create an epic adventure again. For a change, I'm not going to complain about current RPGs. I'm going to take you on a trip through the only love life you can never mess up: the virtual one.

Baldur's Gate II (2000) — Aerie

I have to admit I've never actually finished the first Baldur's Gate game due to not being all too interested in the story, but I played the everliving crap out of BG2. In fact, it is my favorite game and I still believe it is the best game ever created. Nothing will ever compare to the awesomeness that was Baldur's Gate II, and part of that awesomeness was no doubt due to the great characters you could meet on your journey.
Baldur's Gate II is the game with the best written romances out of any role-playing game ever. That's not an opinion, it's a fact. Unlike most games since it, the romances you could have with all available characters were very detailed and realistic and made up out of hundreds of lines of dialogue. Of course back then you didn't actually have to pay someone to speak that dialogue, so pretty much the entire game was giant walls of text, but that's what we loved about it. You could even have a child with the character you loved near the end of the Throne of Bhaal expansion pack, and a privately developed romance mod enhanced the relationships even further.
While most people found Aerie an annoying bitch (this is literally the opinion I've heard of her most of the time), I thought she was sweet and endearing. She was a fragile, scared girl, cast out from her society with her wings clipped and afraid to get close to anyone in the cold hard world of Faerun. She was cute. Weak as she was, she often required a lot of nurturing, both on the battlefield and around the campfire. She had some deep psychological scars, and as you got to know her better, you started to understand why she would always lash out when someone said something stupid or act with caution while everyone else just wanted to get things over with. It's this depth to her that I liked the most, but I'm afraid my obsession with fragile girls who don't exactly fit the world they're in has stuck with me until..well…now, really. Honestly, I think I'm looking for a girl like that in real life as well; shy, weak, awkward and incredibly cute. Perhaps Baldur's Gate 2 ruined my expectations of women forever, and with that the chance of ever meeting someone truly worthy of being 'mai waifu'.

Neverwinter Nights 2 (2006) – Neeshka


The trend of awkward waifus continued in NWN2, where my partner of choice was the oddly cheerful horned demon girl Neeshka. Like Aerie, she also had this complete sense of not belonging in this world around her as she constantly compared things to how they were in her world, and was baffled about the events of the human realm time after time. Neeshka was anything but weak, however, so I guess at least that diverges from the path a little. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to get to know too much of her cute and funny antics since NWN2 is basically one giant bug with a bit of software code written into it. After a month of battling constant crashes to desktop, I decided it would be okay to move on to a different game.

Knights of the Old Republic (2003 and 2004) — Mission Vao (but only in my fantasies)


Knights of the Old Replublic was a great series, but it had shitty waifus. KOtoR made you choose between an emo catgirl (but a hideous one, not the hot one you might be picturing to yourself right now) and a boring 1Dimensional goody two shoes while the perfect waifu was standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. The emo catgirl might've been the logical choice considering my previous mates, but unlike Aerie and Neeshka, Juhani was a lolsodeep bitch that wasn't as much a weak and fragile kind of emo as a dark and brooding kind, and she really didn't have any endearing characteristics at all. Bastilla was not much better since she was a dull look-at-me-I'm-a-powerful-Jedi-with-feelings character I couldn't give two shits about. Meanwhile, of course, there was also Mission Vao, the Twi'Lek girl with the bubbly personality that was constantly being a smart-ass wile hiding behind her Wookie friend Zaalbar. Unfortunately, no romance mods were ever made for her, but it was clear that she should've been a romance option, especially for me. She wasn't shy and weak like Aerie, but she was a lot like Neeshka, cracking jokes and being generally so active and upbeat most people would want to beat her to a pulp.
KotOR 2 did even worse, since there was no Mission Vao to be had there. The romance options were limited between a blind chick and a..kinda manly chick. I remember Visas Marr, the blind chick, as being pretty moe, but I don't think I've ever romanced her due to never taking her with me in my party. Hence, I romanced the Handmaiden, who was pretty hot but didn't have a lot of substance. The romances in KotOR 2 weren't of a very high quality to begin with, although I did enjoy the rest of the game immensely.

Mass Effect (2007 and 2010) – Tali


The first Mass Effect game acted as a cruel waifu blocker by yet again introducing a perfect waifu and not making her romanceable. I think that must be one of Bioware's fetishes. You were forced to choose between a xenophobic bitch that looked like a slut and a delicious but kind of boring blue alien. Of course I went for the alien, and I was pleased to see the romance was actually pretty well written and had at least some depth to it. Nothing compared to Baldur's Gate, of course, but it wasn't of KotOR 2 level. Liara was kind, and also a bit awkward, so she sort of fit the role of mai waifu, but the best waifu of all time since Aerie was being dangled in front of me in the form of Tali Zor'A, a shy and timid Quarian technician that reminded me of Aerie in more than one way. She was kind and naïve, and since she had lived on the Quarian flotilla for all her life, she was unfamiliar with life outside of it, leading to a crapload of moe comments.
Bioware showed once again how cruel they could be by finally making Tali romanceable in Mass Effect 2, but reducing her romance to a few dozen lines of dialogue. The romances in Mass Effect 2 were infinitely worse than those in KotOR2, and I kinda wonder if maybe some of the Bioware execs had spent too much of their tim
e on the internet reading about their games being called 'dating simulators' by butthurt manchildren. The crappy romance didn't ruin the awkward charm of the Quarian though, and she is definitely still second in my all time fictional waifu list. Now let's see how Bioware will troll us in Mass Effect 3 by revealing she's actually a hideous dude or something.

The Witcher (2007) – Shani


The Witcher didn't reeeaaally have a romance plot, mostly because Geralt was so fucking badass that he was fucking bitches left and right (and printing their naked pictures on cards to fap to after the deed), but there was a point in the game where you could tell your bitchy mage girlfriend to take a hike and switch to the much superior rogueish Shani. Due to a lack of real engaging romance options, the relationship lacked a lot of depth, but she was still a pretty fun and loving character and it was especially nice to see the mothering magebitch get WICKED BUTTHURT when you dumped her for a younger model. Hopefully The Witcher 2 will include a more elaborate romance plot, even though it has already been confirmed that Geralt will still be visiting plenty of…moist caves…in his future adventures.

Alpha Protocol (2010) – Mina

APGame 2010-09-04 09-00-20-90

Many people would call Alpha Protocol a shit game. In fact, many did. They were of course full of shit themselves. Alpha Protocol was pretty damn cool. The same can't really be said of the romance options though. We're presented with no less than four possible mates in this game, but with one of them being a giant gun wielding cock-snapping Russian boar and another a slutty oh-so-suave reporter, there were really only two.
Luckily I chose the not-quite-so-attractive-but-pretty-cool Chinese girl and not the pretty-cheerful-and-kind-of-moe VCI operative, since I got her killed in one of the later scenes because I didn't want to blow up an entire museum full of people to save her scrawny ass. Mina was a pretty cool character though. She was helping you out from the beginning and there was a really friendly and fun back and forth between her and Thorton. She was sweet, but could also take some sarcasm and even dish some of it out herself. The romance kind of fell flat due to Thorton being such a suave motherfucker though, and it wasn't very emotionally engaging.

Dragon Age (2009 and 2011) – Merrill

Merrill proper

I didn't enjoy Dragon Age: Origins much, but I did play through it for a decent amount of time. DAO only had two romanceable characters (if you weren't gay for knife-ears): Morrigan and Leliana. The biggest reason why I didn't like DAO was because the characters were written horribly, and the romance options were no exception. Morrigan, while extremely popular on the internet, was a boring and annoying bitch, while Leliana was also boring, but much less of a bitch. Leliana had the attractive feat of being a somewhat cute foreigner, and she also had the kind of awkward feel about her that I like so much. But in the end her character model was ugly and I wanted to throw a brick at her face whenever she pronounced any word with an 'S' in it, so she definitely didn't make it worth sitting through the mediocre game.
Dragon Age 2 has a lot more interesting romance options. Instead of choosing between a stuck up bitch and a boring French country girl, you get to choose between a big-titted deliciously brown pirate chick with a vulgar mouth and a moe as fuck young elf girl. Oh, and two dudes, if you're into that sort of thing. You faggot.
Anyway, the choice here was obvious, of course, although I must admit Isabella is just the right amount of slutty to almost make me try just to see what happens some of the time. But waifus, as we know, must be pure and not tanned pirate sluts. While DA2 is arguably a worse game than its predecessor, the writing and especially the characters are so much better that I'm sure I'll be finishing this one. I'd trade that fucker of a Sten for Varric any day. Hell, I'd even trade him for Fenris. Anyway, Merrill is a cute Dalish elf who, surprise surprise, doesn't know much about the world outside of where she grew up. You'd think I'd get tired of this archetype. You'd be wrong. Her comments are always incredibly moe and she's perfectly awkward in every conversation. The romances seem to be sort of better than the Mass Effect ones at the moment, so I'm looking forward to seeing more of them.



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This entry was posted on 26 March 2011 by in Games and tagged , , .

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