Anonymous of Holland            -A Dutchman in Korea-

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Comicbook movie projects that could make this nerd’s heart beat faster

It’s a good time to be alive for comic book readers. The past few years have seen a record number of Comic book movies released in theaters, and there don’t seem to be any signs of slowing down. In fact, Hollywood is doing its best trying to find as many ways possible to squeeze money out of this previously untapped source. Recently though, the results have been rather lackluster. When the X-Men first came to the silver screen, followed by Spider-Man, and the eventual superhero boom, things were exciting. Things were new. Things were amazing for comic book fans because we never expected our comics could have such massive appeal. Budgets became bigger and bigger and the sky was the limit. Seeing Iron Man, Thor and Captain America come to life was a dream come true for many a fan, but…what’s become of it now? Iron Man 3, Spider-Man’s on his second reboot, Wolverine has been in so many movies and they still haven’t even bothered to show him in his costume..Thor 2 will hit soon, then Captain America 2 and eventually The Avengers 2.. It’s all just not enough anymore to excite me, to be honest. While I still enjoyed the new Wolverine movie because, well, I really like the X-Men, I was bored to death with Iron Man 3 and will definitely skip Captain America. The newness has worn off, and now all that’s left is mediocre storytelling and bigass explosions. The earlier movies weren’t better than the ones being released now, but they were a first for many things, which is what made them awesome. That’s also why I’m really looking forward to X-Men: Days of Future Past. Even though they ruined the Sentinels, I know there’s going to be a bunch of new stuff in there to look forward to. Likewise I’m keeping an eye out for Batman/Superman because there’s some real promise there. But all in all, these comic book movies are becoming stale, so I wish Hollywood would decide to milk some new ideas.

And I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have some opinions on which IPs would be great candidates for this honorable job. If these comics get turned into movies, I’ll be right at the front of the line to get my ticket because they’re bound to be fucking amazing and exciting. I’ve split them up in Realistic options and Yeah Right Only In Your Dreams options because, well, I do like to dream. The list is in order of DO WANT, by the way.

Realistically

1. The Darkness
darkness
I’m honestly a bit surprised that no one’s picked up the rights for this one yet. The budget wouldn’t have to be too big compared to a cape movie, and more importantly the two really good and successful FPS games have spawned a pool of fans that would be all too happy to see Jackie’s misadventures on the big screen. The age rating might end up creating a problem, because it would be truly horrific to try to do a Darkness movie anywhere below an R, but aside from that the comic’s perfect for an adaptation. The story is fairly straightforward and has the potential for many amazing fight scenes and big explosions, and the darker tone would set it apart from all the other comic book movies. A noirish gangster epic with demons running around ripping people’s heads off…who would say no to that?

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2. Thundercats
thundercats
Okay, this one might be the least likely out of these four, but hear me out here. Thundercats still has a cult status among people over 20 years old, and the recent anime shows that there’s still an interest and a fanbase for it. Yeah, the new series flopped hard, but that doesn’t mean the concept can’t be adapted to bring in loads of bucks. It’s a fact of life that humanoid cats fighting it out with weirdass lizards is inherently awesome, especially when you can see them do it in THREE DEE. The kids will love it because it’s crazy fucking cats and spaceships, and the dads will love it because of real life Cheetara. Just like The Darkness, Thundercats would stand out because it’s completely different from all other offerings (though obviously in a different way). Sure, Guardians of the Galaxy will have a raccoon strapped to a rocket, but will they have thousands upon thousands of lonely virgins drawing fanart of him? I think not. That’s your customer base right there.

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3. Spawn
spawn_aof_cover
This is the only comic in the list that’s already had a movie. And you know what? That movie was fucking kickass. In fact, I bet the people who disliked the original Spawn movie are the same people who tried to claim Dredd 3D was better than the original. They are wrong. So terribly, terribly wrong. The original Spawn movie was an orgy of awesomeness and cvlt, and it’d be really great to get a direct sequel to it. However, since that’s highly unlikely, a reboot would do too. Imagine how amazing spawn could look with today’s CG (as long as they don’t give him a CG suit, because that would pretty much ruin everything) and how cool his story could be if they follow the current ‘mature’ trend to make it less campy than the first one. Actually, I’ve read that Jamie Foxx of all people was pushing for a Spawn reboot a while ago, so this one might actually come true! And apparently, McFarlane wants it to be ‘more dark and gritty, with an R rating’. SIGN ME THE FUCK UP

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4. Witchblade
Witchblade_147The Darkness’ older sister (or mother, I guess. Family ties are difficult to trace when they reach back MILLENNIA) hasn’t had a very comfortable life in the spotlight. A terribly mediocre tv series and a just terrible anime from Japan have probably dented the brand quite a bit, but at least it also means people might’ve heard of it. Sara Pezzini is a perfect main character for a movie that will probably be focused towards males (as long as they don’t cast someone like Yancy butler to play her..what the hell were they thinking?) and the obvious Darkness crossover potential could turn it into a franchise to rival even the biggest of them. While Witchblade’s story might not be as easily adaptable as The Darkness would be, some artistic liberties could be taken to turn it into a pretty badass supernatural thriller that could interest people for whom the annual Marvel and DC movies are simply too dull.

Yeah Right Only In Your Dreams

1. Transmetropolitan
url
My favorite comic for many, many reasons, Transmetropolitan is indeed something that might be deemed ‘unfilmable’. The far-future setting would mean a studio would have to spend millions of dollars on sets and special effects, while the existing fanbase is without a doubt too small to warrant such a dangerous investment. When a Halo movie can’t even get off the ground because of budgetary concerns, I have no doubt that Transmet wouldn’t even make it to the drawing board. It’s a shame, of course, because I would love to see a dark comedy full of political satire all wrapped up in a blanket of undiluted hate, but I’m afraid that will never happen. Hell, Spider’s mouth alone might net the movie an M rating in the US basically killing it before it’s even out. Maybe one day if I win the lottery, Spider, maybe one day.

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2. Dino Riders
x_473daea3
When I was first thinking of creating this list, I put Dino Riders in the ‘Realistically’ column and Thundercats over here, but the more I thought about it, the more it started to seem like maybe the two should be switched. Why? Well, because it hasn’t been made yet. In a world where Battleship is an actual movie, Transformers brings in more money per explosion than a war in the middle east and a leaked plot for Jurassic Park 4 included human/dinosaur hybrids with guns, there hasn’t been a movie about people riding laser shooting dinosaurs yet. What the reason for that is, we might never know, but there must be one…right?
Because why the hell else would anyone pass up on something like this? It’s guys from the future RIDING AROUND ON GIANT LIZARDS CARRYING LASERS AND SHOOTING EACH OTHER. Normally I’d say that would spell FRANCHISE to any sane businessman, but apparently it doesn’t and that’s a crying shame.

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3. Battle Chasers
battle-chasers-anthology
You’ve probably never heard of this comic…that’s because it was cancelled after 9 issues due to the team spending friggin’ months on producing even one issue and its creator, Joe Madureira (of Darksiders fame), leaving to do designs for mediocre video games. It is, I assure you, the bees knees though. Taking place in a steampunk fantasy setting, it follows a pretty straightforward good guys VS badguys story where a group of wildly diverse characters take the fight to some real sinister villains. There haven’t been enough fantasy movies lately in the first place, and one based on the rich world of Battle Chasers would be a real treat. Add to that the interesting characters and you’ve got a movie that could do pretty well for itself, were it not that there’s probably no real fanbase to be found for it and it’d need a pretty big budget that may or may not pay off. Since Madureira can’t even be arsed to conclude the story in comic form, I doubt he’d be willing to do it in a movie any time soon, no matter how much that pains my heart.

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4. Loaded Bible: Jesus VS Vampires
bible
The least unlikely of the four to become a major motion picture, Jesus VS Vampires is a badass comic about Jesus fighting against vampires in a dystopian future. After the success of Abraham Lincoln – Vampire Hunter, I’d say the stars are aligned for this little gem to rear its blood-soaked crucifix. Although there might be some backlash from the church, there’s hardly any doubt that that would just act as free publicity for the movie, which could be made on a shoestring budget. The only real problem with it, is that it’s cvlt as hell and not many people have heard of it. Then again, who really needs an established customer base when you’ve got religious slander, right?

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